Subject: Understanding Engineers


Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus
when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
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Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the
pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big
as it needs to be.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer
fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him.  Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh,
yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." 
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over
30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company
contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with
one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried
everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In
desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their
problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent
a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and
said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the
machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from
the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to
put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in
peace.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Five 

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers
build targets.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical
engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet."
--Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
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Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like
both." "Both?" they asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a
wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the
other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
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Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will
stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If
you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do
ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the
matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you
for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer
said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog, now that's cool."